the pain you feel today is the strength you feel tomorrow.

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because if the person/things are are not close to heart enough, it will not cause enough pain to make a point.

i think the universe is awesome.

if there’s a need to break our heart to teach us about love, it breaks it hard enough to make us feel like we are better of dead. if there’s a need to teach us about drawing trusting lines between friends, it make us go through betrayal. blah blah blah.

and then we go through a painful route to understand why.. and grow from it.

i am who i am and where i am because of the people and things that happen in my life.. in both good and bad ways. and i thank you all for that.. for the pain and for those who gave me strength when i’m in pain. :)

this time, i think i need to learn to draw the line when being 心软.. need to learn when to stop giving chances..

but i probably still need to go through more pain to learn that.. before i ‘grow’.

but it will pass.. :)

live laugh love and go with the flow!

went for my yoga practice on monday morning and was super demoralized. i know i am not the strongest or most flexible yoga person nor am i the best teacher.. but it wasn’t a ‘motivating’ kind of demoralized where i want to work towards being better, it was the ’not good enough and i should give up’ feeling.

because i had some time before the next appointment, i decide to go for my happy meal and have my mood settled first. i went to my usual ‘stoning spot’ along the singapore river and the conversation with myself was all the self doubting questions..
‘what are you doing, ting?’
‘are you sure that’s what you want?’
‘are you sure you can?’
‘what would others think?’
blah blah blah..

it was driving me crazy when i let out a sigh, looked down and saw..

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live laugh love.

then i smiled and asked myself the last question: does it really matter what others think?

it was left unanswered because i know that no matter how many times i say it shouldn’t matter, it still does affect me. so i will not go into denial saying it doesn’t matter.

so i left the place and went to see the course manager for a ‘course interview’. spent a good 4 hours talking to 2 of them.. one of which is a therapist himself.

i wasn’t sure if it was the topic that is inducing my personal emotions or was it that i was still having the self doubting effect.. the session actually turned to be more than just a session to find out more of the course and all.

it brings it back to myself.. and all the things that had happened. and when i said all, i meant everything from young. looking at the joined dots and seeing where i am today..

i’m sure this is not my final stop yet, but i am thankful to be here.

‘you lead a very fulfilling life’ – a very good friend commented this when i told her i’m heading to laos for voluntary work. it striked me hard because it was something that never crossed my mind before.

but she is absolutely right.. my life is fulfilling! because of the experiences i have, because of the decisions i made.. but it is only on hindsight when i looked backwards and joined the dots that i am giving my experiences and myself the credit.

here’s one of my all time favourite quote..

you can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life. – steve jobs

i might question the dots i’m drawing now or the dots that is appearing.. but one day.. as i looked back, i know the dots will join nicely.. just like how it have always did for me!

so let me remind myself to just live laugh love and go with the flow!

that said, i will be going back to school and spending the next 1.5 years (at least) studying on psychotherapy or that sort. hehe. i am excited for april! cambodia, laos and the start of the course!

comparisons.. in yoga, and life.

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i looked spastic and awkward in the top photo, i know! hahaha! for some reason, i am better at ‘leaning’ onto my left arm/body and my left hips seems tighter.. so my right side always seems a little more spastic when i attempt certain poses.

and this applies to everyone and in different aspects of our life, isn’t it?
we all have different strengths and weaknesses..

i always remind people in class that our bodies are all different so it’s okay if you take months to learn a pose and some just take 1 day. like how some people are just born talented or rich..

but many times, i forget about this and often beat myself up when i fail to do certain poses.. and in other aspects of life.

but you see.. it will be a vicious cycle. using as an example.. i am better at ‘leaning’ onto my left arm/body probably cos its stronger there. and my left hips seems tighter because i always ‘lean’ on left leg too. so the vicious cycle continue, the more i lean to left, the stronger it gets, the tighter it becomes.

what you feed, grows.

when we compare ourselves with people, whether on the mat or in life.. we worked hard to ‘be like them’ then when we reached, we realised someone else is doing better than us. and we work hard again, and again and again.. losing ourselves in the process.

this picture is a mindful reminder and example that differences occur even within just one body! if our left and right side cannot do the same, how can we do the same compare to others?

so be aware of what we are lacking and work on our own progression instead of comparing.. for this case, i have to be mindful and start working on my right side! sure, we can have role models and people to look up to.. but you know the difference between that and comparing right? :)

Never compare your journey with someone else’s. Someone else may start out faster than you, may seem to progress more quickly than you but your journey is your journey. Its not a competition.   ~ Cheryl Jacobs

i’m here if you need anything

so i was jolted awake at 5+am and the moment i opened my eyes, i thought of him.

i pushed it away thinking i just miss him and i tried to go back to sleep.. but i just couldn’t. it was so uncomfortable that i cannot even keep still, so i text him.. but i only got his reply later in the noon.

and it turned out, he was punched, lost a lot of blood and was running a fever.

i was having alot of questions running through my head like what happen? where is he now? how is he feeling?

but i was so composed that my good friend finally couldn’t take it anymore and asked if i am not worried. (it’s actually quite funny looking back because she was almost jumping up and said ‘ok, i cannot take this anymore..’ before she asked.)

only at that point, tears formed and i nodded and said, ‘actually.. very.’

and her next question is, ‘then what the fuck are you still doing here?’

and i could only say, there are a lot of things that i can/i want/i will do for him.. i want to do things for him.. but, the question is.. does he want it? and it is going back to the same phrase i used in my last post..
那一段我们曾心贴着心
我想我更有权力关心你

so.. all i could bring myself to say to him was..

‘i’m here if you need anything.’

.

.

.

i am here.. but i want to be there.. for him.

nothing haunts us like the things we don’t say

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indeed.

when i met him that day.. he look different from when i saw him about 2 months ago..

i want to hug him tight and tell him that my heart aches to see him so drained and worn out.

i want to tell him i miss him. (except i won’t be able to explain if i missed him as a friend or what.)

i wanted to..

but didn’t.

so now, it have been haunting me.

a good friend was encouraging me to say it.. even if it’s now.

but..
1) i don’t know how to put across that.
2) i am afraid of his reaction to that.

gone were the days we would randomly text at any time of the day with silly things then random ask about each other’s life. gone were the days where he would text me even if he knows i will be sleeping just to show me where he’s having supper.. so as to annoy me.

now, it feels kinda weird to even show concern..
‘那一段我们曾心贴着心
我想我更有权力关心你’
like i no longer have the ‘right’ to show concern? i know i know.. everyone have the rights to show concern to a friend.

but.. oh wells. no but. good night!

my love for yoga, business and spreading laughters

and so, i’ve registered my company slightly more than a week ago and have been mad ass busy with the logos, websites, blah blah blah. this was the ‘important decision’ by the way. haha.

it’s have been quite.. an experience. i used to own an online shop when i was in school.. well, an online shop is afterall an online shop. if i’m not happy with the name, just change lor. not happy with the logo, change lor. if it fails, then study, graduate, get a job lor.

despite that, i spend alot of time on it. i stay up late and also spend the weekends editing pictures, adding e-commerce, fixing the website, promoting the site..

i think i just love business.

this time, this is serious shit!

i made changes to my full time job, registered a company (a pte ltd, not even a sole proprietorship k!).. it’s no turning back eh.

i was told daddy and mummy in our discussion just now..
me: whats the worst that can happen?! i’m penniless and jobless at 30 lor! *thinks for awhile* not like i got alot of money to lose, and.. there’s no turning back right? so it’s this.. or, i will create another peak/achievement in my life! hehehe.
mummy: *serious tone* yah, if penniless and jobless then find a rich man liao lor.
me: -.-
daddy and mummy: *LOL* yah, nothing to lose la.. go for it.

yes, so it’s either i fight hard and well for 3 years and make it smiling happily or i will be penniless and jobless.

can’t wait!!

I’M BACK!

back from what?! *roll eyes*

i know i know.. i neglect this blog far more than it deserve. afterall, this is where i go to when i needed someone, when i needed to vent..

ha. anyway, i have just came back from my roadtrip in western australia! totally recharged and ready to dash~ before i need another break. (though i am already thinking of my next. hahaha.)

well, i am about to make a decision that would probably change my life and i’m so excited! no, i’m not getting married.. or maybe i should, except not to a man but myself.. inspired by is it time to marry myself? and why marrying myself was the best move i ever made.

ah. so random! so back to the point.. my important decision~ hehe. stay tuned! :)