i used to not believe that anyone or anything is capable of breaking our hearts. but i have experienced it and now i believe heartbreaks are called heartbreak because the heart ache like it’s broken! ha, not very funny.. i know.
well, but i still believe that no one is indispensable. (not at our age, at least) there might be some memories, experiences, feelings, or even people that are irreplaceable.. but.. no one is indispensable.
some things happen to tear you down and make you feel like you would rather die. or to make things more ‘interesting’, you are thrown with something then have a person to come in and pick you up, then leave again. it’s like pulling you up from a hole then pushing you down again aye?
some people are the soulmate we have that comes into our lives, teach us things we need, show us a part of ourself that we never knew, bringing out the good of us in certain ways.. and i guess that why we feel that we are ripped apart and the world crumple when they leave.
we still cringed and our heart ache like it can kill us right there and then when we think of certain things or people.. these are people that we wish could stay longer or for the rest of our lives. these are things that we wished never happen.
but did it not occur to us why do people need to leave? why do things happen? why can’t they stay in our lives and continue teaching and showing us things? did it not occur to us its because even without these people, we are or should be whole on our own.
i’m not speaking like don’t know how it feels, i still cringed, my heart still ache and i still wished that some things didn’t happen the way it did despite knowing they are lessons for me.. and that goes way back to things that happen during childhood. it takes conscious effort to remind myself that i should be whole on my own, that i have to learn the lessons that were presented to me..
but what makes me write this post is not about what happened to me. it was that anger, that frustration, that disappointment, that worrying yet helpless feeling i felt after a friend text me.. her guy was about to leave her when she text me last night.. ‘her only hope that gave her strength, her only dream is the home they are going to build, the journeys they took..’
i really have no idea if the emotions came from her putting her life in one person’s hand or me being angry/disappointed that after so many years, i haven helped her in any ways.. (but it’s clear to me after a night of sleep that she is her only best friend that can help herself)
the ironic thing is, she was the one who first introduced the ‘whole person’ logic to me, that we are to complete ourself.
so right after i got home, i wrote this whole long shit about how no one is indispensable. we are no longer that little girl that needs approval, that need people to feed us.. and this ‘feed’ can be in many ways. feeding the physical food, feeding our esteem, feeding our mind, heart and soul..
i only realised recently how certain things i experience from young still makes me feel.. uneasy. i am nursing the little girl in me that held on to certain things that i was told, shown, seen, experienced from the past.. i grew up. but the inner child in me did not. i still hold little unhappiness about things my parents say, about what my friends did.. so why is it that it’s my parents, the ones who i thought shouldn’t hurt me be the one that plant the deepest seed? why are the best friends the ones that do the ‘betrayal acts’ when they should be the one i trust? why is it that the guy whom we love or thought will spend the rest of the life have to leave?
you know there’s this joke..
包青天： 你为什么要欺骗那些相信你的人？(why do you lie to people who trust you?)
采花贼：不相信我的人我骗不到，大人 (because those who don’t trust me won’t believe me)
my translation isn’t too good, but i guess it makes sense right?
if i didn’t love my parents, their words will have no impact on me. if it wasn’t my best friends, i won’t give a fuck what they do. if we didn’t love the person, we won’t care if they leave now or if they even come into our lives at all. so yeah.. because without the ‘right’ people, the impact will not be the same.
it is not easy. and i struggle, all the time. i may have a families, i have friends.. and you can say i am too fortunate to know or understand because i grow up having family and friends around me. but trust me, i know how it feels like to be alone and helpless. (you can insist that i will never understand, and that’s okay because it is going to be pointless to debate on that.) the point is, we are all alone in a way.. but you have you, and i have me.
“I’m here. I love you. I don’t care if you need to stay up crying all night long. I will stay with you. If you need the medication again, go ahead and take it—I will love you through that, as well. If you don’t need the medication, I will love you, too. There’s nothing you can ever do to lose my love. I will protect you until you die, and after your death I will still protect you. I am stronger than Depression and Braver than Loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me.” – what elizabeth gilbert said to herself in eat, pray, love.
no one can help that little child in us stand up and continue to walk. my little girl need no one else but me. so is that little child in each and everyone of you.
edited: chanced upon this article before but totally forgotten about it until a friend share it on facebook recently. not exactly the same, but kinda same. LOL. so here’s the link: Why do people have to leave each other?