went for my yoga practice on monday morning and was super demoralized. i know i am not the strongest or most flexible yoga person nor am i the best teacher.. but it wasn’t a ‘motivating’ kind of demoralized where i want to work towards being better, it was the ’not good enough and i should give up’ feeling.
because i had some time before the next appointment, i decide to go for my happy meal and have my mood settled first. i went to my usual ‘stoning spot’ along the singapore river and the conversation with myself was all the self doubting questions..
‘what are you doing, ting?’
‘are you sure that’s what you want?’
‘are you sure you can?’
‘what would others think?’
blah blah blah..
it was driving me crazy when i let out a sigh, looked down and saw..
live laugh love.
then i smiled and asked myself the last question: does it really matter what others think?
it was left unanswered because i know that no matter how many times i say it shouldn’t matter, it still does affect me. so i will not go into denial saying it doesn’t matter.
so i left the place and went to see the course manager for a ‘course interview’. spent a good 4 hours talking to 2 of them.. one of which is a therapist himself.
i wasn’t sure if it was the topic that is inducing my personal emotions or was it that i was still having the self doubting effect.. the session actually turned to be more than just a session to find out more of the course and all.
it brings it back to myself.. and all the things that had happened. and when i said all, i meant everything from young. looking at the joined dots and seeing where i am today..
i’m sure this is not my final stop yet, but i am thankful to be here.
‘you lead a very fulfilling life’ – a very good friend commented this when i told her i’m heading to laos for voluntary work. it striked me hard because it was something that never crossed my mind before.
but she is absolutely right.. my life is fulfilling! because of the experiences i have, because of the decisions i made.. but it is only on hindsight when i looked backwards and joined the dots that i am giving my experiences and myself the credit.
here’s one of my all time favourite quote..
you can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life. – steve jobs
i might question the dots i’m drawing now or the dots that is appearing.. but one day.. as i looked back, i know the dots will join nicely.. just like how it have always did for me!
so let me remind myself to just live laugh love and go with the flow!
that said, i will be going back to school and spending the next 1.5 years (at least) studying on psychotherapy or that sort. hehe. i am excited for april! cambodia, laos and the start of the course!